Something has gotta go right at some point...right?

I just feel super down recently.  Maybe it's that Justin passed away last week and I haven't given myself enough time to grieve, maybe it's because I know that change is coming again and that I once again have to uproot, move cross country, make new friends, create another fucking new life.  Or maybe it's just that nothing seems to be going right these past few days.  Maybe I have too many hormones in my system.

I keep on trying to tell myself that it has indeed been worse, that there I am lucky to know what being completely hopeless and helpless is like, and how it feels to have lost almost every single aspect of control in life.  I am not in that situation anymore.  I am not sick, I am not on the verge of life and death, and yet for some reason I still take everything for granted.  When you're on that verge...you focus all of your energy on fucking surviving, man.  You turn into a warrior because all you want to do is live and because it's black and white.  Live or don't live.  When you succeed in that...then what? Then you have to deal with everything else that you didn't want to deal with before.  Despite the fact that I waded in the darkest part of myself that I'd only ever stuck a toe in before before, I feel that a fog has come over me again.  I have never felt more clarity than I did when I was sick, and now...  

Relationships, a job, an image, money money money money, do you have a boyfriend yet?  Why not?  What's wrong with you? Do you have a job?  Why can't you find a job? Maybe you're not smart enough?  Maybe you're not talented enough?  You just have too high of standards, why don't you apply somewhere like McDonalds?  Have you applied to graduate school?  Why haven't you finished your application?  Are you lazy?  How do you still not know what you want to do with your life?  Did you go to the gym today?  Did you eat that extra piece of chocolate that just pushed you over the edge?  Why don't you look like all the normal people do?  Did you fuck up earlier in life, is that why you look/act/feel like this?  Is that why things happen to you?  Did you do something wrong?  Did you, did you, did you, did you? 

Gaaaaah turn it off.  The broken record of my brain will just not shut up.  The constant flow of you are not good enough, smart enough, capable enough, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.  Just shut up.  

And then things go wrong, and it is just as if the straw is about to break the camels back and I don't know what to do.  Then I get stuck, dig myself a hole and throw my own body in and watch it sink into the quicksand, and am faced with the challenge of have to slowly but surely pull myself out when it's just the my own deadweight pulling me down.  It's as if I want so badly to change and am too damn afraid to do anything else.  

It's like every goddamn thing is just the worst thing that could happen even though it is just such a terrible melodramatic excuse.  A terrible, terrible excuse that I like to use because I tell myself I am afraid of failure, or rejection, or of not being attractive enough, or smart enough, or of being seen in the wrong light.  In reality, I'm just afraid of myself, even though I've made it this far.  

Shouldn't that be saying something?