Tomorrow the cancer movie comes out. I guess I'm going to see it because it is about young people and cancer.
I don't know if I'll like it, but I secretly have a mega-crush on Seth Rogen so I hope I like it. I feel like it's just kind of hard to put that experience into an hour and a half and have anyone who hasn't gone through the experience understand what it is like, but I guess they're gonna try.
Sometimes I forget what life felt like two years ago. Most of the time I'm very happy to have some amnesia about it, to be honest. Petty things are much easier to feel than large, life threatening ones. Life is so much easier understood when your biggest concern is whether or not you will finish your homework in time, go out to this house party or that house party, or if a friend tells you something you don't want to hear. It is much easier to feel that than to be told your body is literally trying to get rid of you.
Death, it seems, is a lot less funny when it has the chance of becoming reality.
Ahh, but don't talk about that! As a western society, we never discuss death (or not on a normal basis), nor do we want to ever admit that we are a day closer to it than further. We have a large fear of the pain of death, when in reality, I don't think that death is the painful part for whoever is going through it...it is much harder to think about death as a survivor. To know that your light could go out instantly on this planet is alarming, even though there is a chance for it every day, but being there to clean up after a light has gone out is where the pain comes in.
I am not suggesting that we focus on it, but I suppose it might be good if it were a less taboo subject.
In any case, I have to say that it will be an interesting cinematic experience! That is for sure. It was not easy going through the experience I went through at such a young age, but I am glad that they are showing that there can be comedy in life as well. There were so many high and low moments during my time as a patient that even letting myself be reminded of it throws me down my own memory lane for longer than I care to be.
It has taken me a while to come to terms with everything, but I finally feel that at this point in my life that I have come to accept what has happened, and take it as something that has helped build me up after an incredible breakdown.
It is hard to imagine being stripped of everything you know and understand, of being isolated from everyone and anyone for months on end, of being taken away from every distraction, and every vice you've used to escape yourself. Every association you have had of yourself vanishes, and there is nothing left to hold you up anymore. Those rosy colored glasses are ripped off your face and stomped on. There is no innocence left.
Nothingness fills your every thought, your every movement, and you function as if you were a ghost of yourself. Here, but not really here, yet somehow not gone.
The constant reminder of no hair, no boys, no school, no friends, no image of myself, no health, no future, no nothing left was stunning. Such complete isolation is in fact such a terrific experience that even I can barely put it into words. There are no words to describe who you are after you have nothing left.
Try building yourself up after that, and then making a movie about it.
With that said, I am not in that same place as I was two years ago. Fighting for your life is inspiring, even when you are the inspiration. You feel as if you have so many people to not let down, even when it is your life you are talking about. Chemo was such a disconnect from mind to body, my mind cheered on the physical Maija the whole time because my mind couldn't handle being in my body. Trippy shit, I'll tell you that much.
But I'm now in a much better place, and so happy to be here. So blessed, so grateful, and so appreciative for my experiences and who is in my life. One thing I learned while I was sick: if you are upset about something, you better damn well say it because the longer you hold it in, the worse you feel and can make yourself sick about it. It just isn't worth it. Also, you best damn well be taking responsibility for your actions and words because at the end of the day, you said and did them. Don't blame others for how you feel, only you can control that. One of the few things we actually have control over.
Movie review coming soon...
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