Seems my last post has sparked quite the familial revolution. In an order to put things into the correct light (since words have the habit of becoming twisted and confused when heard either second hand, or when one feels that she/he being attacked and everything is taken personally). First of all, this is a personal platform, and one that few people have access to. I use this to express my feelings and my take on things, no one else's. I hear information, I assess, and I process and I am allowed to write about my feelings, because damnit, it is my blog. Also, like I said, this is private. Few people have access to this blog. If I were to say something in front of the public, for example, via Facebook, which I highly disagree with because it is not a private sphere and it is frankly juvenile to discuss private things in a public area, (no matter what, unless you WANT to deal with the consequences of whoever seeing your comments and coming to their own, perhaps false conclusions), then I would be able to justify some of the reaction. Know that I hear information straight, and assess it in my own way. The facts that I hear and I respond to are facts, and nobody has said any accusations of being a bad person or a terrible daughter, and those are not things that I am saying.
I want to say that I do understand sticking up for your own. I appreciate that there was a clarity in the response that I received. I would stick up for my sibling, too, if he were to be told some harsh realities that neither he nor I wanted to accept or think about. I think that the problem with what I wrote is that it was accurate (and at times, condescending which is unfair and un-peer-like, when in reality it was meant to be from a peer and not condescending). The biggest problem is that I hit a few nails on the head and nobody wants to hear the truth. Hell, I don't want to hear the truth, I know that I am blunt, impatient and can be out of line, I know that. I accept that. I apologize for that. But if you tell me these things, I will sit down and think about them, take them into account, and have enough insight to look at my behavior and move forward because it is worth looking at. When someone tells me something I don't want to hear and I get angry about it, it is more often than not something that I know is true. Realizing that things I do may be perceived is negative is really hard for me, is a real bitter medicine going down. But that doesn't mean that I cut anyone off from saying such things, even though it is difficult.
I didn't say anything out of hatred. I don't hate anyone in my family. I love my family, so do NOT misconstrue my intentions as simply being spiteful and hateful (to be clear, I love both people I am talking about in this post very much, and it is MY words that they should be upset about, not their mother's or anyone else's for that matter, she had nothing, I repeat, absolutely nothing to do with me writing a blog post so do not punish her).
The fact of the matter is that many of us have been too afraid to put already fragile relationships into the spotlight. And for the record, it IS my business, because family is my business. I cannot simply put my head down and pretend that things are not happening and let behavior that is completely inappropriate go without noticing. I refuse to do that, because in the end, that is not fair. We DO stick up for our own, just like you think you are, #2, sticking up for #1. Unfortunately, you are not looking at the content of what I wrote, and why I am upset. What I heard is, "You are being mean and not letting me get away with what I want to get away with, so get out of my life because I don't want to think about it or ever admit that it might be right. Who do you think you are ever telling me what I am because you don't even know me."
Sorry, it doesn't work that way. I do know you.
You may think that your business is only you and your family. What you do in your free time is definitely your business. But you are my family, and you are my business, and I love you. I want you to know about me, and want you to care when things are going down the crapper, or when things are going great. I care about you and want to know you are okay and that your relationships are healthy, and that you are healthy, and that you are okay and thriving. You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family, and be that as it may be, I still give a shit about you and your sister. I give many shits, for that matter. I don't care what you put on your body, or what classes you take, or if you dye your hair, or get 12 piercings, I care about you having unconditional love and care for your family, and that you show the same respect that I know you are capable of to everyone.
Please, feel free to hate me all you want, write hateful fb statuses, write me scathing emails, call me every name in the book, feel free to HATE ME but please, dear god, please please please stop blaming your mother for things. Whether that be your hair looks bad that day, or whether or not I write something, or that your life sucks (which, it reaaaaally doesn't by the way), she loves you more than anyone else in the whole world and it hurts the rest of us to see that you don't even see it, but you take advantage of it, and throw it back in her face. She bends over backwards to make you happy and see you thrive, and while you may feel the same, it comes off that you could care less. She is all too often your punching bag because you know she will love you regardless, and you can get away with whatever behavior you want to because she loves you too damn much to stand up against the hurtful things you say and do.
She gives you unconditional love, while you are able to play cat and mouse with yours.
It is easier when you are in control, knowing you can say whatever the hell you feel like and treat others in whatever damn way you please, because she wouldn't dare hurt you. She deserves just as much respect and as much love from you as she gives, and do not sit here and tell me that you give her that, because you know you don't. You may love her, but learn to take responsibility for your feelings, it is not her fault that you feel upset. It is your own. Treat her in a way that you want to be treated. This isn't me being hateful, this is me trying to say to say that it is so important to be aware of how our moods and things we say have an effect on others. Be aware of that. We often forget that our parents are people too, instead of just authority figures, and they have feelings. They have been through so much, too. They were at one point your age and dealing with the same feelings, but you don't want to burn those bridges because these relationships with your family become so much more important to you as you get older.
I've been through just as much as you have (plus a lot more), but that does not merit much of the negative and abusive behavior that has been shown (and I know that is hard to hear, but it doesn't mean that this behavior cannot change, and I believe that it can and will).
Life is hard. Really really really hard, and it is even harder when you feel like you are going through it alone. It is much easier to feel sorry for yourself than it is to face the realities that lie ahead of you, just like it is much harder to think that we, ourselves, have to change, instead of thinking it is everyone else who must change. At some point, not everyone else is wrong, it is the individual who must reassess. Which is why I brought things up.
And seeing the reaction, I know that I hit a nerve and that you realize that many of the things I wrote are true. You have been directing your angry feelings towards an undeserving target, so I invite you to please direct them at me. Do not become venomous to the rest of the family, they didn't do anything. Do not think that anyone is hearing biased information, because we aren't.
This is not a time to become a victim, you've been doing that plenty long. Blocking me on Facebook because I wrote things is cowardly because you just run away from your problems and people you disagree with instead of facing them. I'd love to talk to you about it, face to face, on the phone, via chat, whatever. Defriending me isn't getting rid of the "bad" people in your life. I am not a bad person, and I am not treating you "wrong". I disagree with things you say and do, and you know what? That's life. You cannot just block people out of your life that you disagree with, or those who disagree with you, it just doesn't happen. I know you are young and the whole world revolves around you (which you may say is not true, but it is a basic fact of being in your teens, been there and done that), but it is time to learn now that it is important to face your problems instead of running away from them. If you have a problem with me, talk to me about it. Take responsibility for yourself, and I'll take responsibility for myself. Own your mistakes, and I'll own mine. Pride is not the answer here.
Don't punish anyone else. It is hurtful, and just reiterates what I have said...and they are not the ones calling you on your behavior, I am.
With that said, it isn't that I say this out of hatred or spite, it's because I love you and want you to know that healthy relationships need healthy amounts of communication and honesty. It isn't that I want to drive you into the ground, despite what you may want to think, that is not my main goal in life. I have other things to do.
Anyone who suggests that you cut off your family from you is also not looking out for your best interest, but looking to start drama. Drama in the end is only going to hurt you and not help you, and the only way to stop the drama from happening? Put your feelings into words and talk about it.
I am not sending hate mail, but saying that one must be vigilant in being aware of one's treatment of others because we often act in hurtful ways that have lasting effects, and it is important to know when we are acting in a certain way for the sake of our current and future relationships. I know it is hard to look at, and hard to admit to. I am no angel, and I have been called many times on my behavior and it hurts every time because I never want to be wrong, or seem like I was mean, even if I was. I know that I could've written my last post in a kinder, more gentle way, but I didn't, and that was something that I should've done, so I apologize for that. But I don't apologize for what message I was trying to get across.
I'd love to see you both show up to family functions because damnit, we are a FAMILY, and you are part of it whether you like it or not. You can choose to be offended, but don't be offended by anyone else's behavior but mine. Feel free not to talk to me, shoot all your angry bullets my way. I can take being the target of your hatred. Just don't treat anyone else in the same way and blanket hate the whole family, your lives will be much less colorful and that is a choice that you make, and you cannot feel sorry for yourself if you choose to do so because we want you to be included and want you to be a part of things we do. We all love both of you and want the best for both of you, straight from the horse's mouth.
With that said, I think I've said enough.
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