Hello all...sorry for the delay in posting, it's just been SO gorgeous here in Salzburg that I have not felt inspired to sit on my computer and write anything. I've been enjoying the sunshine, bike paths, and ice cream that Salzburg has to offer!
As morbid as this sounds, if I were to die after this year, I might actually be okay with it. I mean, there are many many many things that I haven't done yet that I definitely would like to do, and plan to do, and WANT to do (more than anything), but as far as finding some sort of peace with myself, I feel as if I have started to do so. If anything has come about this year, it has been lots of healing. Lots of difficult moments, lots of re-learning to trust myself and be independent, and starting to have a faith in society and life again. It is so hard to even put into words the kind of psychological and physical battles that have come up in the past 2 years, but I feel that with time and acceptance these things have slowly changed. Patience patience patience. If you know me, you know it's not my strongest trait. I keep hoping that it has paid off...granted the race isn't over yet. Far far far far from it, and I'm trying to turn my fear into excitement. I read somewhere that fear is just excitement with out the breath, so breathe through it.
It is hard to be afraid and remember all that is going on around me with government breakdowns, wars and constant heartbreak that has happened in Japan and New Zealand. I have become so consumed with the beauty that Salzburg has shown me...it's like experiencing my first spring ever. The trees are greener than I've EVER seen before, the flowers are so delicate and so individual in their beauty, each one with vibrant colors and shapes, and the Frühlingsgefühl...ahhh, people are nice again! It has been such a joy and a pleasure being able to experience springtime here, and such a gift. Just an absolute gift to be in a place that values health, that values taking the time to see the changes happing around you, and really offers great chances to get out into the sunshine and use the body that one has...I've been biking just about everywhere! It's GREAT! To school, to Hallein, to Hellbrunn (the palace in Salzburg, and the road is where they filmed the Sound of Music scene where Maria is running up to the house singing "I have confidence in me!"). It's too beautiful to put into words...birds singing, mountains in the background, fields of green filled with flowers. It's like a literal dream come true.
How could someone not appreciate life like this? I don't know why I think about it and appreciate it so much more now than I did before, but I do. I don't want to forget what I've been through, or forget where I am because I don't get to be here for forever. I get to be here to enjoy this moment now and today, and I don't ever want to think that my life is more difficult than it is because damnit, I've got it pretty darn good.
It's not always going to be happy, and it's not always going to be comfortable. It's not going to be fair and it isn't going to be kind. But it is what it is, and appreciating those small moments that are redeeming are like discovering something for the first time as a kid. Like seeing everything through new eyes...
I know this lovey dovey feeling isn't going to last forever because there's just too much change involved to do that, but it's nice to know that for a moment, I have been really really really happy again. I think I forgot what it was like to be happy. Happy without the aid of anything else but good friends, good food and good weather. Not being happy due to caffeine, alcohol, or vanity.
Just pure, honest happiness.
It's luck enough, I tell you, to even know what it is.
Sending you the sunshine we've had, and the love that I've got!
Maija
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