Uncertainty official.

Ahhhh, with the highs always come the lows...

I had a fabulous birthday week.  Full of well-wishes, good friends, good food, and good times.  Now that it is over, and I have to say that I am experiencing the downhill effect.  Things are not so "BRIGHT BUSHY TAILED LOVE LOVE LOVE HAPPINESSS" but a "WTF AM I GOING TO DO WITH MY SORRY LIFE NOW THAT I AM LEAVING ANOTHER YEAR OF LA-LA LAND!?!?!?!?".  I am becoming less and less certain of my future, of what it will be, of how I am going to find a job, a way to support myself, and somehow function within society.  I don't know what it is like to be an adult living by myself in America.  I know how to do it better in Europe than anywhere else....talk about bizarre.

I am moving to another new city, another new life, and another new reality.

Terrifying.

Along with my thoughts about the future, other fears I've had seem to be resurfacing recently.  It was only 2 years ago that I started noticing symptoms of being ill.  I was making big plans beforehand though.  I am absolutely scared shitless to start making big plans again, to start thinking about the future. When is it too soon to start being optimistic?  Am I too pessimistic about what my life is about?  I don't want to bring bad energy to me, I also don't want to be slammed to the ground like I was last time getting home.

I don't ever want to be sick like I was again.

I suppose it is due to the fact that my life has been relatively quiet these past few months.  No terrible drama, and nothing that has knocked me so far off center that I couldn't get back up again.  I even forgot I was sick for a few days.  I forget that I am a survivor.  I have started to push some of those memories out of my mind, because I don't have to think about them anymore.

No one gives you a guide on what to do after going through this kind of experience.  After treatment, you are just kind of on your own, and you have to wade through your emotions, experiences and worries.  Of course this goes along with the normal growing pains of becoming an adult.  It is not easy to come to terms with how you were, your new reality, and how life has changed.  I am also not a child anymore, I am not allowed to call Mommy every time I feel worried or upset or anxious, at some point I have to put my own 2 feet under me and bear it.  I don't want these worries to become my reality though, because in the end worry is just worry.  It has no benefit to living in the present, and it definitely does not help gain any confidence you need to move forward and make some of the changes that need to be made.

It is hard to remember that memories and fears that resurface or simply that, memory.  They are not the present.  They are real only in the fact that it happened, but not that it is the current reality.

I guess I'll just have to keep on taking life as it comes, which is much harder than it sounds.  It's the best I can do though.