No doubt about it, life is nasty, brutish and short. The global struggles that have been going on in this recent year such as the shooting in Tucson, earthquake in Christ Church, Libyan Crisis, Egyptian Crisis, and Wisconsin shenanigans, as well as personal struggles seem to make life's carefree days seem so far and few between.
But as I woke up at 5 this morning struck with the idea of how glad I am to be here despite these turmoils, I realize how blessed I am and how excited I am for the future. I woke thinking about next year, where I will be, what I will be doing...if there is one thing I know, it's that ANYTHING can change in a year. When I say anything, I mean, anything. One just never knows what is right around the corner in 5 minutes, 5 months, 5 years...one's whole life can be turned upside-down, either for the better or for the worse, and all you can really do is just hope that life hits you when you have some strength in you.
5 am thoughts are random thoughts, but I couldn't help thinking about this year and how I am so appreciative of this whole experience already.
I haven't even left yet and I'm feeling nostalgic.
It hasn't always been nice and it definitely hasn't always been easy, but I've had a fabulous chance this year to really figure out more about myself and where I am going, as well as recuperate from my 4 years at college, a potentially fatal illness (still in the clear!) and what seems to be a lifetime of chaos, heartbreaks and indecisiveness before that.
Funny thing is...I've never been able to see in my distant future. When I was in high school, I couldn't imagine what it would be like at college or what I would study. I changed my major officially 5 times, unofficially at least 25 times. When I was in college I couldn't imagine what it would like to go abroad, where I wanted to go, who I would meet. When I was ill, all I could focus on was getting back there and finishing. When I finished, I had few expectations of what to find even when I came to Austria. When I first arrived here I flip-flopped on being here, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, will I be, this next year? Will I be that? Should I be a lawyer? Should I be a nurse? Should I be anything? The only thing that came up was blank. A white screen. No heartbeat on that monitor. What to expect then?
No expectations. No inklings. No dreams. No nothing.
I'm not sure if it's because I got such a crazy illness at such a young age that I learned that your life can change, so don't hold on to it, or if that's just been the trend thus far. My whole life has seemed so temporary, living in 6 month spurts, moving, moving again, moving again, old friends, new friends, more new friends, nothing ever the same.
In reality, I came to Austria solely because I had applied, gotten in and needed an out for a year, aka needed a way to find myself after constantly losing what was left of me. I needed to let my life sink in...without the added stress of trying to overcome illness or finishing up those last papers. I needed to realize where I come from, who I've become, what I've achieved thus far and where I need to be going, because I do need to be going somewhere. I needed to be in a stable place for more than 6 months (10 months!) When I got here, I was going nowhere.
I cannot say with 100% confidence that I will ever know where I am meant to be, but can only assume that wherever I am is where I should be. I so appreciate this experience for all that it has been thus far: difficult, challenging, eye opening. I've been blessed to be placed smack-dab in the middle of one of the most loving groups I could find. It seems to be that way often though, I don't know if that is any of my influence or it just is that I was lucky enough to find it. Lucky enough to find people who accept me and all my quirks, who love me for what I am and for what I'm not, and are there when I need them. There is not really a single person that I could imagine replacing...and that is something to be thankful for.
On Tuesday though, just as the cliché goes...I kind of just got smacked in the face with what I want to do with my life, and realized that this is a possibility. I found a direction. I wasn't even looking for it. I was looking for jobs next year, I was looking once again for the temporary, for what is now because what is now is the only thing that I could imagine ever before. I haven't started the program yet (haven't even applied), but I know I want to go to graduate school. I know I want to work in this job. I can imagine myself, older, helping others and being useful. I can imagine myself studying, enjoying studying and using my knowledge. I can see myself with a future, with a family, with a new dog of my own (or 2!). Maybe even children. I can see myself fulfilling a need, and can see myself doing this for a long time. I can see life.
This has never happened before. It was like I read the words on the page, and quite literally my whole body had a shiver, and I got excited. I haven't ever been SO excited before about going to school or about working! I've been excited MANY times, but never had such a chill that yes, this is what I am meant to do.
So in conclusion to today's all-over post, I have realized that even though life has its ups and downs, I just have to say that those ups are what I live for, and what keep me going. The ups are so precious and to not appreciate them would be a shame, because those people, places and experiences can never be recaptured, ever. While I won't be here for forever, I will have it in my heart for forever, and hopefully appreciate this time for what it was...a little push down my road to recovery.
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