It seems like barely a day has past since I last wrote, but in fact a whole week has gone by! Not much has happened in-between now and then, it has been fairly quiet in my world!
Last week I spent most of my time in Salzburg reading a great deal, cooking, hanging out with Nora and Lars, drinking too much whisky, and enjoying some Karaoke with Emily and her sister. It was a very relaxing few days, and then I met up with my Oma on Friday and we split up our time between their lake house on Attersee, and their other house in Bad Ischl.
Friday was a beautiful day, and I am always amazed by Attersee's beauty when I go there. I do the same thing almost every time I go (which has been MANY a time now), which is get out of the car, and immediately walk out onto the dock and admire the looming Schoberstein, and the crystal blue waters. It takes your breathe away to just stand there and admire everything around you...it's still hard to get used to! And I have been going to this place since I was 6! You feel terribly small and insignificant in comparison with all the factors around you, and it is a very humbling experience.
Here is a picture of the water that I like:
The view from the beginning of the dock
The View up the Schoberstein (the far end, the looming end is much closer...and much more...looming)
In any case, it was a very relaxing day Friday. We went out for dinner, and they forgot my food so I had 2 wines instead of 1, and then went back to share some brandy with my grandfather (he is from Wisconsin. He loves brandy.) before dozing off to some terrible movie with George Clooney and Michelle Pfeifer.
Saturday we went back to the Attersee to enjoy the weather and I made sure to bring my hiking boots with me. I was determined to go up the kleiner Schoberstein (not the big one this round...) and sometimes I even forget how strong my will is. In the Fall, I could barely make it up half way. I had to stop at every single rest stop, drink something, and it was miserable going up. My heart was pounding, my legs hurt, and it was like my lungs were going to fall out of my chest. I only made it about half way and then decided to go down. This time around I was determined to make it to the top, and I did. It was a breeze this time around.
The view of our end of the lake
Glancing into Weißenbachtal (the Weißenbach is the river that runs near the Attersee, and tal means valley)
It was very freeing to know that I can do things again, and a very symbolic moment knowing that I have been getting my strength back. I always forget that in the Fall, that it had been less than a year since I had finished chemo. It was only 9 months after I had finished treatment, and my body was still dealing with the repercussions. Chemo destroyed my muscles (along with the deep incision in my belly, that cut through all of my abdomen muscles), made it difficult for my organs to work properly, and I was simply out of shape from school. I was broken physically, mentally and emotionally. I had been living in survival mode for such a long time that I was disconnected from myself because I had to be to get by, and needed this time to get myself back up on my feet.
Well I am on them.
Making it to the top reminded me that I need to continually be grateful. That there are things greater than us, circumstances that change us, and that control is not usually in our hands. I climbed up the same mountain that my Oma's brother slipped and fell off of, to his death. I, too, could've done that in my life. Not on a mountain, but from other circumstances. But I didn't slip. I didn't fall to fate.
Coming to terms with your mortality is difficult. Who wants to do such a thing? Who thinks about something so morbid? It is like an avalanche or a rock slide...sometimes you just never know when those things happen, so don't dwell on it, realize that it is a possibility, you are not going to live forever, and move on.
I heard a quote from Kris Carr, who is an author and woman who has been living with stage 4 cancer for the past 10 years, and thought that it was great. "All of us are going to die, but how many of us are going to live?"
I am constantly trying to remind myself to stop worrying so much, and to stop being afraid of things because I have gotten burned in the past. I am starting to realize that change comes slowly, that things do get better, that the world continues to turn. If I am going to be here I really want to enjoy my time, fear and worry can have no part in ruling over my decisions.
So, as I embark on my journey through the last 5 1/2 weeks of my program here in Austria, I am trying to soak it all in. Yes, I miss my family and comforts, but that's it. It's comfortable. I am trying to push myself out of comfort to really let myself enjoy new people, places, and things. To show others places that I have been lucky enough to see, and push myself to new physical and emotional limits. It is not going to last forever, and I am not going to last forever. I am not always going to live in Austria, have so much free time, and be able to sit around and really be pensive on my life.
It is good that I am doing some of this now though. To put some of those habits into play, to be appreciative of the good and bad times, and revel at everything around me. I am not only looking forward to starting something new career-wise, but I am excited by the fact that I am starting to dig deep and look at my relationships. I think I am ready for someone else in my life, and ready to start down another new path, and learning to trust yourself is much harder than it sounds. Thank god for having the chance to do so.
Right, the week is going to get going and I know that these next few weeks are just going to race by, but I am going to try to savor the moments while I can.
You should too.
Sending all my love from a salty salty land...
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