November is back, and even though I'm in the sun and moderate weather (which, it apparently stays this warm all winter, I guess I'm having a bit of amnesia about late Fall/Winter in Cali, possibly due to the massive amount of medication I was on when I lived through it before), it seems surreal. Like it shouldn't be this nice, and I want it to be gray and rainy and slushy and cold, but it only does that sometimes (minus the slush).
I have been through some weird ups and downs recently, from a super high at Mike and Rachel's wedding and being able to see everyone I know and care about, to a very low low coming back here. I keep myself busy with school and work, and yet somehow can't shake the loneliness...which I guess just happens in November. It happened last year, the year before, the year before that. Meh, November and February are my least two favorite months ever (despite the day of eating, that's a great day).
Maybe it is just that I am reminded of how alone I really am. I haven't made the same friends here that I had in MN or in Austria, I haven't put myself out there either....my constant battle is usually only against myself. It is hard to make yourself want to do anything though when it is so comfortable not to.
I am too afraid to be vulnerable but cannot really afford to go forward without it. Blah, I guess it's time to do another Maija-pulls-herself-up-out-of-her-stupid-depressing-hole-and-get-over-it interventions. But they are just so cliché, aren't they?
I pride myself on being the one and only person to depend on...but right now, I just want someone to come take care of me and make it easy.
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